By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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