I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
