Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
