I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
