You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
