it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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