Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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