You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
