I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
