I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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