12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
