nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
