I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
