I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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