I wish I could punch you in the face.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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