Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
and i looked up. we had an audience...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
