i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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