I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
no more duck duck goose at the bar
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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