yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
