my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
