He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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