I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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