he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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