I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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