I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
