no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
