Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
