His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
