if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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