I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
