my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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