He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
