Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The best revenge is premature balding
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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