Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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