I think I am morally bankrupt
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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