I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
