I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So gin and wine won't be happening again
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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