when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
