I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
