I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
