Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
