sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
