Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
