The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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