Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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