i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
