I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
