The maid of honor just puked.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
