so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
