Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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